Illustrations by Clint Hardin
I don’t really remember what I expected from a production company specializing in medical videos.
Actually, I guess I kind of do. I was afraid that I might be disinfecting microphone cables or mopping up blood or cleaning up discarded viscera in a facility that was part television studio, part abattoir. As it turned out, I spent much of my college internship running snack-related errands all over Chelsea and buzzing in clients for a friend of the owner who occasionally used the office loft to administer tarot card readings. His business card said only, “Have Thunder, Will Rumble.”
The closest I came to actual contact with the medical realm was when I was sorting the mail. There were the checks and bills to and from some pharmaceutical firm or another. There were the video screeners consisting of interviews with seemingly somniloquent clinicians interspersed with gory surgical close-ups under bluish light. And, there were the catalogs.
After looking over page after page of skinless, hairless, bare-eyeballed, plastic mannequins, it wasn’t the quick-assembly, modular digestive/excretory system that caught my notice. And certainly, while it was odd that you could order generic, sexless mock-cadavers and had to buy snap-on reproductive organs separately, after seeing the transparent schnauzer and the model uterus with removable fetus, the novelty was diminished.
Maybe it’s not so strange, then, that the one item to stand out from all this grizzly imagery was a small, black tote in the lower corner of the skeleton model page. Surely the gift for a person who already had everything, presumably even snap-on genitalia, the Human Skull Carrying Case was quite a handsome piece of luggage and much less cumbersome than the Spinal Column Duffel Bag.
The painfully obvious puns aside (“You’ll be at the head of the class in old-skull style!”), the description of this simple, yet expensively “custom designed” leather item extolled its qualities in a completely normal fashion, as if to say, “All the important young professionals have the Human Skull Carrying Case with adjustable, detachable shoulder-strap. Obviously, you need one, too.” It read like the description of something boredom, alcohol, and high-altitude and would induce you to buy from the Sky Mall catalog.
So, it seemed perfectly normal during rush hour when I saw a woman standing opposite me who carried a similar case. I don’t mean to imply that I noticed her case first, because she was gorgeous.
I’d often dredged the depths of my mind searching for potential common ground to make initiating conversation with stylish women on the subway a feasible venture, and I had never dug up much that I’d deemed worth attempting. “So, you ride the subway too?” hadn’t worked well that one time. Or, the other time.
But this time, there was the case.
“So, you like your Skull Case with the shoulder strap, huh?” I asked, several stops after she boarded the train. As I struggled to stay upright while the car jerked and swayed, she threw an indifferent glance over the black frames of her glasses and, with a distressingly fragrant swish of dark hair, turned to look out the window.
Thinking that she might not have heard me correctly, I said, “I’ve been looking into getting a Human Skull Carrying Case, too.” This didn’t elicit a response of any sort. I was about to repeat myself when I realized maybe she was a little weirded-out that I knew she was carrying around a skull. I guess I would be too. I mean, what if she was props-manager for a production of Hamlet and that was Yorick in the case? I suppose I would feel silly if I was on my way to Macbeth and had to walk around with blood on my hands.
I’d heard of an actor named George Cooke who donated his head to science and whose spirit supposedly haunts part of the city. Maybe it was this woman’s eerie reflection in the smeared window that got me thinking about this, but I was still reasonably sure she wasn’t his ghost. First of all, she was a woman. (But, then again, I suppose a ghost can do what he wants.) And yes, she was carrying around a skull, but she also had one on her shoulders. I’d gathered that phantoms doomed to carry their own heads generally have just one. And they’re not so sheepish about it.
I thought that if I had a Human Skull Carrying Case, I would be pretty comfortable toting around a skull. It’s really all about how you present things. By this point in school, I’d put a lot of sub-par writing in attractive portfolios. B minus. D plus. Whatever. Grade aside, you can’t fault a handsome leatherette folder. So, I guess what I’m saying is: if the killer had put Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in a Human Skull Carrying Case instead of a cardboard box in that movie, Seven, it’s still horrific, but at the end of the day, there’s some really nice luggage going into the next police property auction. Right?
In retrospect, there’s a good chance that I might have been working through some of these thoughts out loud, because she turned and asked, “What…the…hell are you talking about?”
It was a few seconds before I could think to mumble something about appreciating nice luggage when I saw it, and then, ignoring the stares from the passengers around me, I feigned intense interest in the map on the wall as if I didn’t already know I was going to the last stop at Pelham Bay. She shook her head in what I took to be some combination of disbelief and disgust, moved further down the length of the car, and resumed looking out at the dark walls speeding by.
For the next few minutes, I considered what had happened. In self-pity I thought about how this was exactly why I didn’t try to talk to attractive strangers. I could never say, “Oh yeah? Well don’t flatter yourself,” to save face, because my lame attempts were so transparent. But, I read somewhere once that women like it when you compliment their purses, and it made sense that this guideline would extend to most skulls. Sorry…luggage. This guideline extends to most luggage. But, apparently not.
My thoughts were interrupted when she pushed past me to exit the car at 125th Street, which is where I had planned to change to an express train, but I didn’t want to look like a creep by following her. Then again, I thought, who’s the creep here? At least I’m not carrying around a fucking skull.